This Autumn, I’ve started a chain of articles about loss and recovery in article LOSS, PAIN AND RECOVERY PROCESS. My mission is to race this topic awareness and help someone in need to find inside resources and inner strength to live forward. In this article I would like to share my story of parent loss and what helped me to live forward.
“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways – either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.” ~Dalai Lama
Parent loss is huge. Irrecoverable. Irreplaceable. It is hard and it hurts a lot. When I lost my Mom I deeply realized one thing: NO ONE IN THE WORLD WILL EVER BE THAT MUCH HAPPY FOR ME AS SHE WAS ANYMORE!!! No one will pray for me same passionately and no one will wake up and go to bed thinking of me.
One day, I had an amazing personal accomplishment after a really hard process of working on it together with my husband. And I remember sitting completely overwhelmed with happiness, realizing that I have no one to share it with. No one who will be at a 100% level purely happy for me. And this is hard to accept. Sometimes I flip through my happy moment pictures and realize that they are so special to me, so important, that could be shared only with my Mom. But there is no way of doing it anymore. But, I believe that she is watching us and sees it all. And that helps a lot.
I honestly miss her over care and over-protectiveness. I miss all her worries about me, because no one else pretty much cares if what I do wear is warm enough during our cold Canadian winters or if I had enough veggies and sleep this month. That’s what mom’s do. When they are alive it can be a bit annoying, but when they go you start missing it.
As soon as I lost my Mom I became an adult. Immediately and at the very same moment. I am not somebody’s child anymore. And we had an amazing connection with her. We spent hours online daily. She knew what I have for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Knew my strong and weak sides, my worries, dreams and unreal plans that eventually became a reality. She was in every stage of my life as a supportive wall I could lean on when tired or support needed. She was my best critic, supporter and advisor. In many cases I was still doing things my way, but she was there every single time, every single significant step.
My Mom was an important part of my life and when I lost her I felt like I am missing a part of myself. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t accept that she is not alive anymore…I just couldn’t. And I had a less than one-year old child totally depending on me that time. I had no right to give up, to be too much sad or God forbid fall into depression. Years pass and my parent loss pain does not minimize even a bit. It is just me who learned how to coop and live with it.
What I did choose was to become a better version of me. I decided to fulfill a couple more of my Mom’s dreams and to live a happy full life as she wanted me to. I preserved great memories and forgave myself for loosing her, because I know she did forgive me as well.
After parent loss follows a long-time recovery process, but the main part is that it is a “process” and I am moving forward in it. I’ve gone through my mom’s story a thousand times and thought about what I could have done differently. I rearranged scenarios again and again thinking what did a miss and what could I do to save her. Later, I’ve read a lot about this state after loosing a parent and realized that feeling guilty is a common one…but eventually we need to let it go and stop punishing ourselves. This is my new reality and I choose to preserve the best memories instead of regrets.
In a loving memory of my Mom Valentina